The Usual

Hello. It's been a while since I last posted here. But I must say, I haven't forgotten about this place. Some things have kept me off, though. You know, these little annoying things in your life that keep popping up. If life was like walking on a street, these are the things that suddenly show up from underground (no, not zombies) and try to trip you.

On a positive side, although I don't have some major problems to state, I will not turn this into a diary either.

That is why, I will post here a short story of mine, around 1000 words. It's not THAT much...

The title, you already know... The Usual (yes, those are the same two words that are on the very top of this post). I know it's not perfect, I know. Any criticism that you might have is quite welcome.

Right...




Ashes. Piles of ash in a cave. That, stranger, is what’s drawing people to this place.

Universal law states that one day somebody will come and reignite a fire from them. Thus causing the rebirth of a phoenix that will restore order, peace and most importantly, wealth.

In this case, it means that we make a fortune from selling lighters outside the cave. Want one?

We also make a lot of money from helping people out with the angered ghosts. Dead people dislike when the living attempt to burn their ashes. Yeah, we rarely get the same customer twice. Usually the wraiths are quite peaceful though and only scare people away, without doing any real damage. Except that one time when we confessed the spirits don’t actually kill. But that day we had hungover from last night and the customers were really annoying, so we couldn't bother. You know, one of those days. And who’d think the customers would die? I mean, it wasn't even their fault. At least I think so. Personally, I blame the section in universal laws about bad luck and irony.

You’re asking what’s so special about those ashes? Well, most just know that the ashes are mysterious. Okay, I admit it. They think it’s the ashes of a phoenix. And who am I to ruin their hopes and dreams of fiery birds? Besides, most intelligent people very well know that phoenix ashes are almost extinct. And even if found, they would definitely not be shown in caves to just any person.

There is one day in every month though, when we block the entrances and only let those that remember or have heard the truth. Obviously there are no phoenix ashes here. Just an old place used to throw the ashes of the deceased. More importantly, here lies… Oh, I think that you’ll get a better picture if I tell you the whole story. Yes, you should go and grab a cup of tea or hot chocolate, I’ll wait. Hey, get me a cup … aw, missed him. Damn.

Oh, you had heard me? No? Then how thoughtful of you, thanks. I simply love hot chocolate. You’ve got to love those aliens who brought it with them here. Now, about the story…

Once upon a time, there was a tyrant. Or at least that’s what people labeled him to be. There were only two problems of his rule really. The first was that he had killed the previous king to rise to that position. But that is kind of a necessity for any tyrant – be it king, queen, emperor or an entire parliament, you need to kill somebody of the highest rank to get to that position. Basic knowledge.

The second problem was that the tyrant was not more than a man. Meaning, he made usual mistakes. Then again, anybody who can command alone an entire kingdom would probably want slaves, beautiful women dancing naked around him and would make people give him the finest food and drinks. It’s only natural to want the best, but the majority of the people – peasants – dislike that. As for the rest… well, there wasn’t much freedom of speech, but the country prospered. People didn’t starve, there were no wars or at least, none significant. Except for that one time when a country half the size had proclaimed war. Quite suicidal of them, if you ask me. Anyway, things were relatively good. To be fair, they were even better than they had been with the rightful king, who had been a pig and an idiot.

Alas, this is not where the story ends. Again, universal laws had to interfere. People, like always, wanted what they didn’t have – freedom. I don’t really understand why. After a rebellion they would live in worse conditions. A potential civil war could cripple the country for a decade, or more. The only valid reason for that could be that us humans only want things we don’t have.

Naturally, this wish of theirs was the reason for two events. First, the king of the “neighborly” kingdom decided to help that "righteous cause". Those that are more aware of the situation would suppose he was the one who started the whole freedom movement, but that's another subject.

Second, a hero was born. Metaphorically speaking, because universal law can’t really wait as that hero is literally born, then starts walking and chewing with his own teeth and all that stuff. But when our hero was actually around the age of twenty five, someone – probably a mage -- somewhere decided to give his talents a little push, just enough so that he could reach sufficient enough powers to challenge the tyrant.

Then followed the usual.

You know, our hero challenged the tyrant and failed. But then somehow survived and gained access to even more power. Then, he came back for a rematch in the castle, now all pumped up and confident that he was going to win.

Round two though was a bit different. You see, the tyrant was aware that the usual might happen, so he prepared a bit. He had bought a book -- “Tyranny and you” for one. Alas, amongst the good advice it gave -- concerning the miracles of boiling oil -- the book also influenced his speeches. So when the “good” guy came, the tyrant started speaking like in any other story… You know, those long speeches full of sentences like “You dare enter my domain?”, “My powers are beyond your imagination!” etc.

Anyway, the plot of all common old stories, born when Fate’s kid was rather new to the job and not quite innovative twists-wise, dictated the exit of the epic battle. The tyrant initially beat up the little hero, but then he started blabbing how nobody could defeat him. While talking, the protagonist gathered his strength into one almighty spell and managed to turn the tyrant into ashes.

These ashes.

Oh, I see you’re still wondering why people come on that one special day, if these are the ashes of an evil, ruthless dictator.

Well, the answer is that the hero was a peasant. To our regret, he didn’t prove to be one of those hidden-and-unfortunate peasants that turn out to be great leaders. Rather, he remained the usual peasant that hasn’t got the faintest idea what to do with power. So the people ended up with another retard for a ruler, hoping the old one would somehow come back. That’s why they gather here on every second Friday of the month, to make a tribute.

So, do you want to pay a visit? You want me to close the entire thing for today? Well yes, I could do that, but… well you know, I’ll need something to cover the money I would receive from usual visitors. Oh, by the way, what was your name? Sorry, but I don’t really remember the moment when you told me... No? Ah well. Come, I’ll accompany you.